What shall we do with the drunken Vulcan?
by Changgirl
Summary: An Enterprise crew party, a Surly Doctor, Alcohol, Kirk and a certain First Officer... What could possibly go wrong? Yup, you guessed it... Please R&R!
1. What in the?

**What shall we do with the drunken ... Vulcan?!**

Blurb: An Enterprise crew party, a surly Doctor, liquor, Kirk and a certain first officer... What could possibly go wrong?! Yup, you guessed it...

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek 2009. ...sadly.

A/N: This is my attempt at humour in the Star Trek universe. Please, be nice... :)

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It had started just the same, as all the other lame bashes Kirk had suddenly decided to throw. It was after another successful mission, this time it was down on the planet Dragoon V, in which the crew had successfully stopped a civil war happening. Just a normal day aboard the Enterprise, you could say...

Music, with a thumping bass rhythm, sounded throughout the whole top area of the ship. It tried to boast a good beat, but actually it just ended up giving most of the crew a fierce headache. The bridge was swamped in streamers and party poppers (which Chekov had mysteriously produced from his cabin), and a surly looking McCoy was sat in a corner, drink in one hand and a hypo spray in the other, just in case any unsuspecting Starfleet cadet (or Kirk for that matter) decided to come in a one meter radius of him.

Captain Kirk, on the other hand, was at the centre of the celebrationary banter. Drink in one hand, and a girl in the other (one of the numerous female Star Cadets, who Kirk had suddenly decided to hit on, without ever having to bother finding out her name.) he wove in and out of numerous crowds, and strode straight towards McCoy. Raising his drink in acknowledgement, McCoy simply rolled his eyes in reply and traced the trigger of his hypo spray. Kirk noticed and smirked, whilst sitting down next to him. The girl, who had been, quite frankly, getting rather bored seeing as Kirk hadn't kissed her in the past five minutes, stalked off, leaving Kirk and McCoy by themselves.

"So Bones, why so edgy?!" Shouted Kirk across to McCoy, slapping his shoulder in the process. McCoy winced.

"God Damn-it Jim! Can't a man just sit alone for once?!"

Kirk grinned, a little lopsidedly, before replying;

"Yeah, unless they've got a drink in one hand and drugs in the other. Not a good mix, Bones. You need to relax a little, find a girl..."

McCoy stiffened.

"What, and 'settle down' Jim? Yeah I tried that once, and you know what? It didn't work! I'm a Doctor, not a goddamn suitor!" He barked back.

Kirk laughed and hauled McCoy onto his feet.

"Come on. Let's go find Spock...Maybe he should be the one to teach you about mixing drink with drugs."

McCoy growled, as he was dragged by Kirk, through the tight knit crowd toward a certain Vulcan, who was sat with Scotty at the other end of the room, with Chekov and Sulu.

"I don't need that pointy eared hobgoblin, to teach me anything..." he muttered darkly to himself. But, before he knew it, he found himself plonked down next to Sulu and facing Spock, who, much to McCoy's surprise looked a little ...drunk.

He quickly risked a glance to his right and caught Chekov's eye, who catching his gaze, simply grinned in response and glanced ever so slightly at Scotty. Suddenly, McCoy's train of thought was broken by the very same Scotsman (who McCoy suspected might have drugged Spock), who smelt, to McCoy's keen senses, strongly of scotch. ...No surprise there then.

"...and so I said to her, that if she didn't get her hands of me right then and there, then I would –"

Scotty, much to the amusement of the rest of the crew members, then started to mumble incoherently about his various 'conquests'. ...Or, that's what McCoy hoped he was talking about. If he heard any more jokes about how the Enterprise was 'one well endowed lady', the hypo spray would find its way towards Scotty's neck, quicker than Spock could say 'fascinating.'... At least it would do, if Spock could actually string two logical sentences together. McCoy's suspicion, despite the person in question, was completely and utterly correct.

.drunk.

How he had gotten like that, McCoy couldn't (and quite frankly didn't want to) understand. ...Where the hell was a holographic recorder when you needed one? This was pure and utter gold. Kirk, who was now sat on the other side of him, was laughing so much that tears rolled down his face, as Spock (who looked slightly dazed and a little flushed), tried to speak.

"But surely, it ish li-logical, dat she would get her handsh off o' you. Captain what ish so funny?" Mumbled Spock, who for all his gravitas and intellect, epically failed to try to not sound the least bit pissed. Kirk, just about wet himself at this bit, and McCoy too stifled a laugh. Anything, to try and show that green blooded alien up.

"Oh, nothing, Commander Spock. Just, one small question though. How would you like to play a game?."

Spock, for a split second looked slightly confused (which, again was unusual due to his normally emotionless personality) before replying;

"What kind of game, would that be Jimmy?"

McCoy blinked spastically. Had Spock just called Jim..._Jimmy?! _Kirk grinned slyly, and caught McCoy's eye. He groaned and quickly took a swig of his drink. Whatever Jim had planned now, was certainly going to be very interesting. If Kirks last game, was anything to go by (and it had lasted six hours) he would certainly be needing that extra boost, before he got himself involved.

"Well, have you ever heard of a game called 'Spin the bottle?!"

McCoy sighed and placed his head in his hands. This was certainly going to turn out be a very long night.


	2. Blue Vodka Shots

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Star Trek and never shall. Except maybe when I'm daydreaming...

**A/N:** THANK YOU, to all those who have reviewed, story/author alerted and 'favourited'. It means a lot! And so, let's continue...

--

"_Well, have you ever heard of a game called 'Spin the bottle?!"_

Goddamnit! If only, stupid Captain 'I have no common sense, whatsoever!' Kirk hadn't said those words, maybe McCoy could be sitting in his room, actually getting something useful done. Instead however, he now found himself sitting around a table, struggling to remain sober. Seriously though ...when you see Chekov downing vodka like its milk, you know that something is seriously going wrong, in the alcohol drinking stakes.

It was at least ten minutes into the game and already the bottle had landed on Sulu, Scotty and Kirk. The only three that remained for the bottle to land on, was Spock, Chekov and himself. He really hoped that the bottle wouldn't be landing on him anytime soon, however. If he had to do a dare similar to Sulu's (which was to sing 'Girls just want to have fun' by Cindy Lauper whilst standing on the table,) he would definitely use the hypo spray in his hand, to its fullest advantage.

Again the bottle span and McCoy watched it, half filled with dread that it might land on him, but instead, he watched it land on the slightly pissed looking First Officer.

"Spock!" Cried Kirk, clapping him on the back, causing Spock to lurch forward and spill the rest of his drink (for some reason McCoy couldn't quite place, Spock always seemed to have a fresh cup in his hands…), down himself. Instead of acting logically though and trying to clean the mess up, Spock did something that would never erase itself from McCoy's memory banks for years to come.

He started to giggle. 

Not laugh, no! Giggle… like a little girl (or Sulu whenever he found something hilarious, depending on whichever way you looked at it)

"Oooh dear, I seemed to have spilt some liquor down me! Well we need to clear that up! Who has a cloth?!"

There was a small snort from beside him, as Chekov and Scotty struggled to keep a straight face. Sulu was trying desperately not to giggle. McCoy, just sat there dumbfounded, but Kirk, who was shaking with laughter, just couldn't take it anymore. He reached forward and lifted the cup out of Spock hands and placed it down on the table. Spock however, looked rather miffed and gazed around the crowded room, trying to search for the cloth, which just kept evading him…

"Hey, hey! Don't worry, we will get you a cloth, but now you gotta answer my question, okay?"

Spock nodded and mumbled something unintelligible in response, as he squinted at his cup, almost looking disappointed that it had been put on the table and that it was mysteriously empty. Suddenly, Kirk clicked his fingers in front of Spock's face which brought him back to attention. He instantly, raised one eyebrow.

McCoy cringed.

Damn it! This man was pissed out of his mind, whilst **he** was completely sober and yet he could still lift one bloody eyebrow! What was the world coming to?! All that practising in the mirror and for nothing... 

Kirk however was completely oblivious to McCoy's inner ramblings, and instead placed a shot glass in front of Spock. A huge grin lit up his face,

"Do you know what this is?" He asked, as he filled the shot glass up with vodka and a mysterious blue looking substance.

"A shot glass, filled with a blue looking shubshta- shub- …stuff" Said Spock resignedly, as his inspected the blue looking liquid. Then, without one word of warning he lifted the glass to his lips and drained it.

"Tequila!" He shouted and he smashed the glass onto the table (so it literally did smash) and then promptly, fell backwards off of his chair and onto the floor.

"Holy Crap, man!" Shouted McCoy, as he jumped up out of his seat and rushed towards Spock, who was now gaining a lot of attention from the other cadets, by rolling around on the floor and singing a garbled song in what sounded, to McCoy's untrained ears, very much like Vulcan.

Grapping his shirt, McCoy hoisted the pissed Vulcan up into a sitting position and then reeled back in shock.

"Good God! You're turning blue!"

In response Spock simply giggled and went on singing. His pupils had dilated and his pale skin was now flushed a pale green colour, which was now (as McCoy had just pointed out) rapidly turning blue.

Grimacing, McCoy raised his hypo spray and prepared to plunge it into the First Officer's neck, when suddenly Sulu came flying out of nowhere and grabbed the hypo spray from McCoy's unsuspecting hands.

"Behold the mighty Warrior, Hikaru Hypo spray! Enemy to the evil 'Bones' McCoy and Lady Spock!"

McCoy frowned and unsuccessfully tried to grab the offending item off of Sulu. _Grr!_ He thought to himself_…This night was just getting weirder. _Had Sulu actually just said, _Lady Spock?! _McCoy shook his head in disbelief. Was he actually the only sane person here?!

Now, as he had been so busy trying to wrestle Hikaru to the ground, Spock (whose face had now succeeded in turning a bright blue colour) had escaped and had run through into the turbo lift, with the doors closing seemingly behind him.

Ahead of him, however, rushed Scotty, Chekov and Kirk, all of them yelling after Spock like banshees. There voices cut through the thumping base rhythm and now, all of the cadets stopped dancing to turn and look at him.

Grumbling, McCoy kept his head down and followed the three screaming lunatics, toward the turbo lift, glaring at anybody who stood in his way. He was beginning to get into a bad mood, now. Hikaru had taken his hypo spray and a half drunk, blue Vulcan was running around the ship.

Not exactly his idea of fun.


	3. Chasing Vulcan's

**Disclaimer: **Don't own, so don't sue!

**A/N: **Thank you to all of those who have laughed whilst reading this story! Even if I can't hear you personally, it's nice to see how many people are enjoying this piece of fan fiction. As the author, it means a lot...

--

All in all, McCoy was pissed off. Really pissed off. He was tired, hot and in desperate need of a drink (preferably something alcoholic). But instead, he was spending a stupid amount of time running around a star ship, looking for a drunken Vulcan. Oh the joys of being Chief Medical Officer, aboard the Starship Enterprise! Yes, no matter where you went, things never got boring...

Suddenly, he felt something fly past his face and he turned around, just in time to see Hikaru Sulu fling the hypo spray back towards him, and grin sheepishly. Catching the hypo spray behind him, McCoy looked up, just in time to see the lift doors close, leaving McCoy and his hypo spray out and Kirk, Chekov, Sulu and Scotty in. McCoy growled and stabbed the button, open the lift again. Damn it! They were one step closer to finding Spock and (in Kirk's case) playing another game, which probably involved vodka, playing cards and a blindfold. McCoy didn't really want to ask just what Kirk planned to do with the blindfold, just as long as he wasn't anywhere near him, when he suddenly decided to play.

"Curse that green blooded hobgoblin! If I ever get my hands on his scrawny neck..."

However, before he could finish the doors opened and McCoy literally threw himself inside the turbo lift, blocking out anybody who tried to get inside the lift with him, although nobody really tried to. Just one look from McCoy was enough to stop anybody, Vulcan or not, from coming within a seven meter radius of him. ...Unless that is, you were cocky, like Kirk or too naive and innocent like Chekov (that kid seriously had **no** idea.)

As soon as the lift started moving, McCoy shifted around uneasily and shoved his much beloved hypo spray in his back pocket. Now it was time for some serious action...

With an annoying ping (someone really needed to sort that out,) the doors opened, just in time for McCoy to see a blurry blue figure rush past, with Chekov and Scotty running down the hallway after it, shouting;

"Stop that Vulcan!"

_...What the hell?! _He thought, as he stepped out of the lift, only to have Sulu and Kirk slam straight into him, knocking all of the on the floor in a jumbled heap.

"Jim, what is going on?"

"Well –"mumbled Kirk, struggling to stand up: "Spock, has gone...nuts. It's like Pon Farr, but with alcohol. He keeps drinking every single bit of alcohol he can find! I don't know what the hell that Russian kid did to him, but it sure worked!"

McCoy, who had now managed to untangle himself from Kirk and Sulu, froze. _Had he said, that 'Russian kid'? Surely he didn't mean Chekov! He couldn't tell the difference between two different types of Vodka, let alone say the god damn word! _

He cleared his throat;

"Jim, you don't mean Chekov?"

Kirk nodded in response, when suddenly there was a small bleeping sound. McCoy looked down, to see that his pager was flashing.

_What the...?_ He thought, as he pressed the button to pick up.

"McCoy here." He answered gruffly only to be surprised by the response and the other end;

"Bones, it's Scotty. Get your asses down to sick bay now! We have pinned the green blooded bastard to one of your tables, but you got tae be quick about it! He's close to turning purple!"

There was an audible scuffle in the background as soon as Scotty had said this, just before he cut the call. McCoy swore he could have heard singing at the other end...

Shaking his head, he turned to Sulu and Kirk. Kirk was smirking and he could have sworn that Sulu had just winked at him_. ...he w__as__ sober, wasn't he?!_

"Well what are you smiling at?! I'm a doctor, not a –"

Kirk interrupted.

"Hey Bones, we know! Come on, let's go! What are we waiting for?!"

Rolling his eyes, McCoy followed Kirk and Sulu. _Trust Jim to turn the table round on him! That man was almost as annoying as Pointy-eared pisshead, down in sick bay. ...Almost, but not quite._

Soon, the doors opened to sick bay and in strode Kirk, Sulu and McCoy, only for McCoy to be greeted with the weirdest sight that he had ever seen. When Scotty had said that he had 'pinned' Spock to the table, he didn't think he meant literally. But no! This particular Scotsman had surpassed all of McCoy's expectations and had actually used various sized pins to hold down Spock to the table. Meanwhile Chekov, just stood by, looking slightly terrified, as though Spock was suddenly going to sprout wings and spit flames...

...and yes, he was still singing.

Finally, McCoy brandished the hypo spray from his pocket and walked slowly towards Spock, who by now was singing something that vaguely sounded like... Rap music. _I'd never thought I'd see the day, Spock decided to sing rap music. God, he must be so pissed, I bet he doesn't even recognise me!_

A split second later, Spock looked up at McCoy, stopped singing and smiled at him;

"Oh, Nyota! Could I have a kiss, please? I'm not feeling too well..."

McCoy quickly dropped his hypo spray and grasped, a now very confused looking Spock by the shoulders;

"Are you out of you Vulcan mind?!"

...That alien needed a shot of sedatives, and fast.


	4. Drugs and Logic

**Disclaimer:** See the last three chapters for disclaimers. Although, what I will say is that this is simply a piece of **fan**fiction...

**A/N: **Right, I think that this will be my last chapter. Hope you have all enjoyed reading this story, and please, if you have read this and haven't reviewed, I would be awesome if you did! I don't bite...much. A big hug and thank you to all of those who have reviewed! – Changgirl.

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Sick bay, was now in absolute chaos.

Since Spock had asked McCoy to kiss him (thinking he was Nyota), Chekov nearly lost it. At the moment, he was sitting in a corner, as far away from Spock as possible, shuddering every time he looked in his general direction. Kirk (being Kirk) was trying to lighten up the situation by cracking stupid jokes and trying to sing along with Spock, even though he didn't know the melody or the lyrics. Scotty and Sulu were preoccupied with keeping Spock pinned down to the table, and shuffling round and nudging one another, whenever the Vulcan so much as blinked at them.

Meanwhile, McCoy was trying to find some drugs and so far, it wasn't going to well. Here he was, Chief Medical Officer of the Starship Enterprise, surrounded by drunken idiots (and more to the point, a very drunk Vulcan), whilst he still remained completely sober! Somewhere along the line that was his life, something had definitely gone wrong. Look at Kirk, for God's sakes. There was a certain air about him (or maybe it was the way he thrust himself upon people…), which said that he blatantly hadn't been hugged enough as a child. McCoy thought about this for a moment, then twitched violently when he felt a small tap on his back: as expected, behind him stood Kirk with a huge grin lighting up his face and (a now) empty hypo spray in his hand.

Surprisingly, Spock had stopped singing… and McCoy being McCoy put two and two together: and got five.

"Damn it Jim!" he cried, snatching the hypo spray off of him.

"Why, did you have to knock the green blooded goblin out?!"

Suddenly, a very calm voice broke the tension between the two of them, and McCoy looked up sharply.

"I would prefer it if you called me by my name, Doctor McCoy or if you really must refer to my race, I am a Vulcan."

He cringed, and placed the hypo spray gingerly on top of the work surface.

…Yep. Definitely five.

It was then that he realised Spock was topless (…_when he had suddenly lost his shirt, McCoy didn't know) _and the annoying thing was, he was way more toned than he could ever be. Subconsciously, McCoy hugged his own chest and eyed Spock, with what Kirk would later describe as 'pure jealously' – although McCoy would never, ever admit to it.

"Err." He mumbled, uncharacteristically lost for words (including his catchphrases, which normally were an ever constant presence at the back of his mind.)

Chekov, who had now reappeared by Kirk's side, laughed and patted McCoy on the shoulder.

"Hahaha. Eet is veery funny, jes? Don't worry though Doctor McCoy. Captain Kirk figured it out!"

McCoy blinked, as he took in what Chekov had just said to him. A number of thoughts ran through his mind, but mainly one stood out. _What the hell?! __I'm being __comforted__ by Chekov? A __seventeen__ year old? Ugh…I need a strong drink and a lie down!_

He grimaced and tried to look Spock in the eye, when something else caught it. Behind Spock, he saw two slumped figures in the corner. On the table, the remains of his shirt lay in tatters. The alien had ripped through his shirt, just sitting up! More to the point…

What had Spock DONE to Sulu and Scotty?!

Catching his expression, Spock simply raised an eyebrow _(damn that eyebrow, thought McCoy scathingly…) _and spoke;

"Seeing as I was…'pinned' down in a most illogical position, I simply sat up and dealt with the Lieutenant Sulu and Engineer Scot. They were in a sort of stupor, so they were in no fit position to be staffing in the sick bay."

McCoy's mouth dropped open, as Spock coolly explained all of this.

"Good God man! You could have just sent them back to their quarters or the party! Not bloody incapacitated them!"

"But Doctor, I am sure as a man of the medical sciences, you will agree with me. These two men were in no way able to staff the sick bay."

McCoy's brain quickly whirred into action, to try and think of an actual excuse to match Spock's, but reluctantly found that he was once again right. _The bastard was always right. _In exasperation he cried out; 

"If you must know, they were staffing you because you were so bloody out of it! Yes Spock, you, were, pissed. Drunk. Off your head. Frazzled. – You were singing for Christ sakes!"

There was a pause, as Spock tried to logically figure out this accusation;

"But surely Doctor, for one to be 'drunk', they had to have ingested some alcoholic substance? I don't remember drinking anything of that nature…"

At this point McCoy lost it, and Kirk (holding onto his shirt, to stop McCoy wringing Spock's neck) gently pushed Chekov forward, who by now had blushed bright red from head to toe. He shuffled his feet and looked down.

"Actually, Meester Spock it vas me who drugged you. I made you drunk and that ees why you cannot remember anything!"

"Ah! The innocence of youth!" Cried Kirk, patting Chekov on the back and pulling him away from Spock; "amazing isn't it Commander? Anyway – we should all be getting back to our quarters don't you think? After all, it is logical…"

Before Spock had a chance to speak (and he was now beginning to look, the Vulcan equivalent, of very angry), Kirk literally grabbed Chekov by the collar and dashed out of sick bay.

"Kirk out!" He yelled, leaving behind him a very confused Spock and Doctor McCoy.

There was a small period of silence before Spock and McCoy spoke in unison;

"Fascinating…"

Then McCoy spoke and turned sharply towards Spock;

"Wait…what?"

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**FIN.**

**- Please review! Look, the button is down there is just waiting to be pressed! …. **


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